reflection
Dec. 16th, 2018 07:32 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
peiyenhad my therapist appointment on Saturday. also very coincidentally the exact one year anniversary of my first appointment! naturally there was a lot of reminiscing and looking back to see how far i've progressed in the last 365 days. i'm no longer actively suicidal, i don't cry myself to sleep anymore, i'm genuinely more appreciative of everything i have in my life in general.
sure, i still have anxiety and insecurity but i've learnt to identify them as what they are -- irrational thought, which i acknowledge as such and move on. i still have my worries about the future and i still get that twang of antsiness whenever i see people achieving milestones in their life, but i've learnt not to dwell and overthink them or see them as reasons for being a failure. i'm capable of enjoying time spent alone without spiraling into a hurricane of self-hatred/self-doubt. i don't think mental illness is fully curable but i've learnt how to handle it better than i ever had
i pointed this out to my therapist and she smiled from behind her clipboard, "looks like you won't be needing me anymore." and "i'm proud of you."
cue floods of tears from me LOL
it felt like the uplifting end to a movie, and if it was, it'd have a soundtrack with lots of strings which gradually grew louder in the background in a not at all subtle attempt to tug at its audience's heartstrings.
but i didn't want it to end. because life would never be that rosy, there will be bumps and obstacles and i may slip and have another breakdown and i'm scared of how i would react to that. (the optimistic part of my brain usefully points out that bad times never last forever, same as the good times. just take it as they come - thanks, mate)
other points of discussion during the session included
• job challenges, my plans for the future
• my love of comedy and the role it plays in my life; the budding malaysian stand-up scene
• podcasts (mainly me explaining to my therapist on What A Podcast Is)
• how i represent myself on the internet in contrast with how idon't express myself irl, the significance of online friendships
i like talking to my therapist. we've spent a year building a rapport and i'm comfortable bringing up various personal or impersonal topics with her. in any other irl social context, i'd be very much stumped by anxiety and fear of judgement, but i know that her office is a Judgement-Free Zone. i mean, i literally pay her to listen so it takes a lot of the pressure off.
i'm just saying... i'd really miss her. i don't want this session to be our last, but work/family circumstances mean i'm inadvertently going for a long break from therapy anyway (working the rest of December and January, Chinese New Year in February, family vacation in March). i might well make another appointment once all that blows over.
god this is a mushy entry. bye
sure, i still have anxiety and insecurity but i've learnt to identify them as what they are -- irrational thought, which i acknowledge as such and move on. i still have my worries about the future and i still get that twang of antsiness whenever i see people achieving milestones in their life, but i've learnt not to dwell and overthink them or see them as reasons for being a failure. i'm capable of enjoying time spent alone without spiraling into a hurricane of self-hatred/self-doubt. i don't think mental illness is fully curable but i've learnt how to handle it better than i ever had
i pointed this out to my therapist and she smiled from behind her clipboard, "looks like you won't be needing me anymore." and "i'm proud of you."
cue floods of tears from me LOL
it felt like the uplifting end to a movie, and if it was, it'd have a soundtrack with lots of strings which gradually grew louder in the background in a not at all subtle attempt to tug at its audience's heartstrings.
but i didn't want it to end. because life would never be that rosy, there will be bumps and obstacles and i may slip and have another breakdown and i'm scared of how i would react to that. (the optimistic part of my brain usefully points out that bad times never last forever, same as the good times. just take it as they come - thanks, mate)
other points of discussion during the session included
• job challenges, my plans for the future
• my love of comedy and the role it plays in my life; the budding malaysian stand-up scene
• podcasts (mainly me explaining to my therapist on What A Podcast Is)
• how i represent myself on the internet in contrast with how i
i like talking to my therapist. we've spent a year building a rapport and i'm comfortable bringing up various personal or impersonal topics with her. in any other irl social context, i'd be very much stumped by anxiety and fear of judgement, but i know that her office is a Judgement-Free Zone. i mean, i literally pay her to listen so it takes a lot of the pressure off.
i'm just saying... i'd really miss her. i don't want this session to be our last, but work/family circumstances mean i'm inadvertently going for a long break from therapy anyway (working the rest of December and January, Chinese New Year in February, family vacation in March). i might well make another appointment once all that blows over.
god this is a mushy entry. bye
